Kageyuki “probably voted most punchable” Shiraishi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
felinguistic) wrote2019-10-21 07:31 pm
felinguistic) wrote2019-10-21 07:31 pmEntry tags:
felinguistic) wrote2019-10-21 07:31 pm
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but at this point he's seen this barrier enough times that he just sort of. closes his eyes tiredly. here we go again. ]
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“What if you break?”
“I’m not that weak!” is the immediate answer, and everyone goes silent in shock as kanesan’s eyes go to kashuu kiyomitsu. he doesn’t seem to notice, too focused on yasusada to care about what a statement like that would otherwise mean for him, a sword who broke in battle. as yasusada turns to leave, kiyomitsu tries to catch him, but it only takes three words to make him freeze.
“You were chosen! He chose to bring you, and I… I wasn’t there when he needed me the most!”
when he turns to run this time, kiyomitsu lets him go - but with only a word from their captain, kanesan runs after him instead. the alleyways of tama blur, until finally he catches up. yasusada only spares him a glance, eyes pained, before averting his gaze again to speak.
"I wanted to fight with him. I wanted to be with him until the end, no matter what happened..."
kanesan knows who he's speaking of without needing to ask - okita souji, one of the shinsengumi's leaders, and yasusada’s own former master. his eyes close for a moment, tamping down on the frustration and worry welling up in the pit of his stomach before he speaks.
"I hate to think of what could have been, Yamatonokami. There's no use crying over spilled milk. I wasn't with my master in his final hours... But even so, I feel nothing but pride for having served him..."
"I know!"
yasusada interrupts, unable to look him in the eye. after a moment, kanesan continues, voice softer than before:
"We can't choose to be chosen - all of us were the same, in that way."
there's a nod, and yamatonokami finally turns back to him, expression pleading as he says firmly, "That's why I want to choose right now - for myself."
he blinks, and suddenly they're back on the ship, in the hallway, and kanesan closes his eyes tiredly. it... could have been worse...? but why this guy? ]
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but he doesn't get long to dwell on it before the scene changes, and he's stuck in a memory of his own (3:34 - 4:58).
it's just a thought process -- shiraishi waking up from a dream that wasn't seen in this particular snippet of his memory.
"Well, wasn't that a trip down memory lane. I never would have guessed this is where I would end up.
No matter what I saw, no matter what I heard. None of it moved me.
That's the way I had been made.
But a decade could change a person.
"Hm...? Wait a minute. Am I... confused?"
I knew no emotional pain. I felt no loneliness. I just existed. At least, it used to be that way. I... didn't think I could go back to that now.
The vision of the memory shifts, looking over at Shiraishi's cellphone on the table and the little black cat charm tumbled next to it. It's such a cheap, pointless toy that had no meaning, but after seeing "her" so happy about it, it seemed to have some sort of value now. Shiraishi laughs.
"Is this that "sentimentality" stuff? What an utterly unproductive feeling. In the end... what I must do is take everything important away from her..."
There's no mention of who this "her" is, and he speaks about gaining her trust and that failure was an impossibility now. But despite that, he can't stop thinking about this mystery person and how different she was, living in a world of sunlight and life, with so many things that he never had, a naive and uncomplicated girl.
"I guess I won't be able to see her smile again. In the end, a doll is a just a doll. It can never be human."
Everything would be fine. ]
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that doesn't mean he won't try, though. it seems to be in his nature, even when he doesn't particularly care for someone. it seems to be in his nature... maybe because he was modeled after kunihiro. ]
That...
[ he hesitates, certain that shiraishi won't bother giving him a proper answer... this isn't something that should be left unacknowledged, though, so he forces himself to continue with a shake of his head. ]
So you do have a heart, after all.
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Of course. It's a pretty vital organ for blood flow and keeping your body alive and functional. You probably have one to, when you're not being a literal blade.
[ like. yeah? yeah. he's not saying anything about that memory. especially when the ripples from the things that had prompted that dream and that monologue had yet to be played out. he can't say he understands it himself.
a heart is what makes a human, but he, who was human but "made" into something less should not be having trouble with it. confusing, really. ]
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You know that isn't what I mean.
[ one last try. kanesan wonders if it's worth the effort, but... ]
Who was she?
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[ ... it's not even said maliciously. Just factually. What would the name "Ichika Hoshino" do for Kanesan, in any way, shape or form? ]
I could ask the same of all those -- swords, I suppose? Running around in your memories. But it wouldn't do me any good here to know, would it?
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[ he'll clarify, since shiraishi likes to play semantics so much. it's annoying, but it's an easy enough game to play. ]
The swords in my memory... they were my teammates, fellow swords of the Shinsengumi. We served our masters side by side, until each of them fell.
[ see, it isn't that hard to say these things!! ]
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[ shrugs. ]
I see. So people I will never meet, and aren't here.
[ see? ]
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[ he's
trying so hard to understand ]
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[ geez. ]
You don't have to know someone's private information to work with them. If anything, the incessant pushing and nagging to get that information will just have an opposite effect if the person you're needling is against it.
You do your job. You work with them regardless.